A brief introduction is in order; Mistress Alison is a good friend and a very knowledgeable and experienced Mistress, she has also been a frequent contributor to PDQ. She is now available to answer questions from both Mistress and sissies alike, assuming a respectful tone of course. These email conversations may well be included at some future date in PDQ though a request for privacy would be respected. Feel free to write her at email@example.com and please don't waste her valuable time asking "where / how can I find a Mistress?"
Dear Mistress Alison
I don't know if you give advice to confused wives but I've got nothing to lose by asking so here goes. I thought I was in a happy and loving marriage, we had no secrets from one another and shared everything, as you can see we even have a shared e mail address. Then just into the New Year, Steve my husband started behaving oddly. He told me that his New Year's resolution was to do more to help me around the house because he felt guilty about having done so little in the past. At first it was just washing up and telling me to sit down and take things easy. I told him I wasn't an elderly invalid and I didn't want to take things easy but he persisted. I began to suspect that he was having or had had an affair and was feeling guilty about it, but things came to a head when he bought himself a pinafore style apron with pink flowers on it to wear while washing up. He tried to tell me some nonsense about it being the only one they had in his size. I know him well enough by now to know when he's lying and I got very upset, tearfully so, and asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me.
I thought he was going to confess to being unfaithful but what he said and did was much worse. He broke down in tears, something I'd never seen before and told me he was ashamed to tell me the truth, but if I read something it might help me understand and handed me some sheets of paper. They were print outs of the e mail he'd sent you asking for advice and then your reply. I couldn't believe what I was reading, it couldn't possibly be true. I put the paper down feeling numb. My world had been turned on its head, how could I have been so wrong about someone, and how could he have deceived me all these years? He couldn't look at me and just continued crying and saying he was sorry and that he did love me. I screwed up the paper and threw it at him shouting "go away, get out of my sight."
When he'd gone I did what you suggested he get me to do and looked on your website and some of the previous issues. I was amazed and horrified, and the thing about grown men dressing up as babies was abhorrent to me. At first I wasn't sure I believed the things I was reading it, and tried to convince myself it was all a hoax. Then I Googled the single word sissymaid and there were over 2.2 million entries, many of them from prostitutes advertising maid training and something called forced femme. It made me feel physically ill to think that Steve had been with women like these. But worse still I discovered that his letter had been published for all the world to see, his depraved desires there for anyone to read.
My first thought was "how could he do this to me, to us," and my second was of divorce, but I quickly realised that I would be too ashamed to tell a lawyer about his true nature with the possibility I might have to repeat it court and the salacious details appearing in the gutter press. When I'd calmed down a little I thought about a possible third way. I still love Steve enough to want to fight to save our marriage, but I'm also a realist and know we can't go on as we are so I decided to swallow my pride, and my anger at being described as having my wired crossed as though I was the abnormal one, and write to you for advice. What I would like to know is can he be cured of his unnatural desires and if not what then? I would appreciate your the benefit of your experience.
May I begin by saying that I can empathise with the turmoil you are currently experiencing. Before I met kitty I never knew such things existed and was initially deeply shocked and even repelled by them. I thought how is it possible to deliberately hurt the one you love or want to be hurt by some who loves you? However over time I have come to accept them as just another facet of the endlessly fascinating complexity of the human condition. I firmly believe that whatever two consenting adults do to and for one another in private to give each other pleasure cannot be bad. That probably doesn't help you very much, but it is true. May I also offer you an apology for my crass terminology in describing you as having been born with your wires crossed, it was sloppy writing and worse, patronising since you have just as much right to be different as your husband, I'm sorry.
Let me also reassure you that none of this is your fault, a common reaction of wives and girlfriends who discover their man is either sexually submissive or a cross dresser is to think they have in some way failed and blame themselves. This is only to be expected in an essentially patriarchal society which has tended to blame women from Eve onwards for all the failings and weaknesses of men. But your husband had these desires long before he met you, is ashamed of them, has struggled against them and has been unequal to the fight. So you have nothing to reproach yourself with. Having said that, it isn't Steve's fault either, he didn't ask to be like he is. As I wrote in my reply to his question he can no more help his desire to be submissive and to wear the clothes society deems to be the exclusive preserve of women than he can help feeling cold in winter and warm in summer.
The overriding thing here is that he loves you and was, and is, terrified of losing you, which is why he concealed the truth for so long. The fact that he wishes to express his love in a manner other than that which society calls "normal," by putting you on a pedestal, worshiping you and devoting himself to serving you doesn't make him a pervert, or disgusting, just different. As you have now discovered through reading PDQ he is not alone. Huge numbers of men yearn to submit to a female authority figure and have her control their lives, it's just that most of them would never admit it, not even to themselves. That is why there are so many sex workers and professional dominatrices advertising the services you describe in your letter, they are only responding to a demand. It may be irrelevant to your particular circumstances, but I believe that this desire for feminine discipline stems from the fact that their first experience of discipline and punishment was at the hands of the first, and in some cases only, person also to give them unconditional love, their mothers. You also say that you love him enough to want to fight to save your marriage. That makes for a very good starting point as both of want the same thing, to stay together.
You ask me if he can be cured and the short answer is no because he is not suffering from a disease, any more than homosexuals or lesbians are, he is just different. You say you are a realist and accept that things can't go on as they are. Well you can't put the genie back in the bottle, but you could both agree never to mention the subject again and live the rest of your lives ignoring the elephant in the room. That's hardly a recipe for wedded bliss, but it can be done. You could decide that since he is never going to change in as much as he will always have these desires then the marriage is effectively over and then you have decide how to manage the break up, something which is outside my remit. Though I can tell you that you that unless your husband contests the divorce you don't have to give reasons or go to court, simply live apart for a minimum of two years and sign a declaration that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Unless there are children under the age of 18 involved, or you agree some different settlement, you would automatically get 50% of all assets. If you want a quicker divorce you would have to prove unreasonable behaviour which would involve describing the things you find intolerable and convincing a court that they made living as man and wife intolerable.
Or you could decide to turn this to your advantage. His revelation has put the ball firmly in your court and the power in your hands, a situation he is not only comfortable with, but actually desires. So you have to decide what you want from the rest of life, married or otherwise; tell him firmly and in a suitably authoritarian manner and he will eagerly rush to do your bidding. You don't have to indulge all, or indeed any, of his fantasies about cross dressing. He wants you to be in command and what he does and how he dresses are your choice. And where is the harm if you do allow him to dress as a maid? What will you have lost? In my opinion nothing and you will have gained an even greater degree of control. Can you put your hand on heart and say you've never had fantasies of your own? Most people, of both sexes, do have them though few attempt to act them out. In an unguarded moment my mother, a pillar of the kirk, once let slip that after seeing Lawrence of Arabia she secretly dreamed about being a slave girl in Omar Sharif's harem. Any suggestion to my father that she shimmy round the bedroom in a pair of diaphanous baggy trousers and a yashmak with a jewel in her navel would have resulted in him summoning a doctor, or more likely a minister to cast out the devils. So you see so none of us is immune either to having fantasies or to extreme reactions to those of others, especially those whom we love.
I am hardly unbiased, but I would suggest you consider very carefully all the advantages of allowing Steve to become your sissymaid. He will never be unfaithful or even be tempted to stray, there will be no more housework or laundry and ironing for you to do, no more rows, you be will be able to do whatever you like whenever you like without question or argument. Best of all you will be in charge of your own sex life. This, more than any other thing persuaded me to go the whole hog and become the Mistress that kitty wanted me to be and I have never regretted it for a second. I could never go back to an ordinary "normal" relationship now. Once I'd made that decision everything else seemed to just flow naturally from it. If you have read back issues of PDQ you will have seen how many women have used the discovery of the man in their life's predilections to good effect and you could do a lot worse than to emulate them.
If I was in your shoes I would wait until bedtime then tell him how upset and angry you are that he has deceived you and that he deserves to be punished. Then sit on the bed and put him over your knee, then administer say 10 slaps to each cheek of his bottom in turn. You can use your palm, a slipper, the back of a hairbrush, a wooden coat hanger, anything convenient; they don't have to be hard or even hurt but they will represent a turning point. Then tell him to get into bed. My guess is that you will then experience a night of such passion that you will be convinced of the advantages of becoming his Mistress as well as his wife. Remember the two are not mutually exclusive. Neither does being a Mistress necessarily involve being cruel or even harsh, though many Mistresses can be so. Kitty and I are very much in love with each other and giving her the condign punishments she needs is principally an expression of that love.
May I suggest that whichever course of action you decide upon as a first step you should take control of all matters financial and allocate Steve a daily sum of "pocket money" to cover just what you know to be his daily needs, travelling to work, lunch and so forth. If he doesn't have any spare cash then he will be in no position to visit sex workers or buy pornography. Then I would advise you acquire a chastity device for him, lock him into it and tell him it will prevent him from straying or succumbing to lustful thoughts. All three of us know he has no intention of doing any such thing, but it will be deeply symbolic and, if you'll excuse the mixed metaphor, represent a psychological fault line in the balance of power. Literally holding the key to his manhood (?) and his sexual pleasure will leave him in no doubt about just who is now calling the tune. You could for example, though I wouldn't necessarily advise it, tell him he is going to remain locked up until he has put all ideas about becoming a sissymaid behind him. I make no apology for repeating this; the choice is yours.
Please feel to write again if you wish. I will do my best to answer any questions you may have and offer what further advice I can.
Whatever you decide I wish both yourself and your husband well for the future.