Heidi was slim with firm boobs and a tight ass. Not classically beautiful but very attractive and sexy in an untamed way. She had the same look as a young Ulrika Jonsson, but lacking the polish which I would help her achieve later in life. Heidi looked like a free spirit; in her mid-thirties, blonde, deeply tanned and dressed like she had just come in from the bush with tan trousers, a loose t-shirt and boots that were made for hill walking, not strutting down a fashion runway. I could tell on first sight that she would look like an entirely different woman in a short skirt and high heels. By chance she had just arrived that day on a two week break from her job at an upmarket safari camp near Kruger Park and had yet to change out of her work clothes and, at that point in her life, her wardrobe mainly consisted of jeans and t-shirts. Five years down the line and there's not a pair of jeans or a t-shirt in her rather extensive wardrobe.
To make a long story short, we hit it off immediately, stayed up all night long drinking and talking and, just when the sun was coming up she took off her clothes, walked over to where I was sitting and unzipped my trousers and gave me the best blow job I had in years. Although that was only a few years ago, the time in my life when I could get hard and have an orgasm seem like a distant memory to me now.
We spent the following two weeks in bed with each other between long walks on the beach and nights out at restaurants. Heidi picked up on the fact that I didn't mind her making most of the decisions while I was with her, which is something she wasn't used to but seemed to get into. Needless to say, the decisions she did make on my behalf had a lot to do with going out shopping for clothes for her. I have always had an eye for women's fashion and I spent loads getting her a beautiful, sexy new wardrobe. I think I was the first man that ever tried to spoil her.
When it came time to finally say goodbye, Heidi asked if there was a future for us. When I said there certainly was she asked if I would be faithful to her. I told her I would and asked if she would be faithful to me. She told me the best she could do was try but her willpower often let her down. She then told me that she had a couple of 'fuckbuddies' at the safari lodge but they were married so they didn't pose a threat to me. According to her, they just came over to her little apartment after work, drank some wine and had sex with her.
She said one of them was David, the son of the owner of the lodge, and it was impossible for her to say no to him as it would threaten her job and the other was, Jimmy, a handsome ranger that she would almost find it impossible to say no to. She told me both of them were very well endowed. When I asked her if they were larger than me she just giggled and said most men were far larger than me but tried to reassure me by saying that, although I wasn't very well endowed, most men with big cocks were arrogant assholes and only cared about sex, not about forming a long-term relationship.
I was kind of taken aback but the best I could think was to ask her to be at least honest with me about things. She promised she would and she lived up to her word. After I finally got back to my digs in Lusaka, after a couple of long flights and a dodgy taxi ride over potholed roads in the pitch black of night, I turned on my phone and got two texts.
The first one read: 'David came over, we talked for a bit, and I went down on him. He wanted to fuck me but I felt funny about that'.
The second one read: 'Jimmy came over after he saw David leave and screwed my brains out. Hope you had a good flight back'.
Three months later I proposed to Heidi and she accepted. Of course she had surmised by then that there would never be any expectations on my part that she would have to be faithful in our marriage, so it was easy for her to say yes to my proposal. She admitted that it was very unlikely that any South African man would marry a woman who was openly cheating on him and had every intention of cheating on him in the future. Although she felt lucky to have found me I also knew that my acquiescence to her demands somehow diminished her view of my manliness. She must have confided this to her sister, mother and friends and they must have told their husbands and boyfriends about this prior to our marriage because when we did take our final vows I heard a few giggles in the church when Heidi professed to be faithful during the wedding ceremony.
When she got back to the safari lodge after the break we had been on she told the owner she was going to resign and the staff threw her a party, not quite believing she had found somebody who wanted to marry instead of just fucking her on the side. Of course the engagement didn't stop Jimmy and David fucking her. Every night I would receive a text telling me that she had sex with at least one of them. They were just her current lovers. During the years Heidi had worked there she had sex with a number of the men on staff and a lot of them approached her after her engagement and tried to convince her to have one last go with them. During her nightly calls she assured me that she only was sleeping with two men, even though she was constantly tempted by others. That made me feel that she had a good commitment to our relationship.
I had gone back to Lusaka with a chastity device fitted securely on my cock and balls. Heidi found it when she went to an all women's sex store in an upmarket neighbourhood north of Durban and was thrilled when the salesgirl told her what it was. It was one of those plastic ones which actually are very uncomfortable to wear over a long period but I was committed to the relationship and gladly let her keep both keys and promised to not fiddle with it while we were apart. I had to shave myself before I put it on and the urge to scratch myself when my pubic hair started growing back in was truly annoying.
Despite the fact that she was having affairs with two men at the time she couldn't stand the thought of me even getting aroused by another woman in her absence. I ended up wearing it up until the day we were married and I will never forget the feeling when it first came off. I felt like a virgin. On our wedding night I don't think I lasted more than thirty seconds the three times we made love. It was particularly hard wearing it in the mornings while I was still in Lusaka and Heidi was at the safari lodge and the text would come in the morning telling me how one of her lovers had enjoyed her the previous night.
Since her notice time was six weeks and our marriage was set for four weeks away, after we were married she had to return to complete the final two weeks of her contract. The wedding ring did little to deter Jimmy and David, who continued to fuck her up until the day she left the lodge. I guess that was when I officially became a cuckold. She was faithful to me for about 12 hours after she returned to the game reserve.
Five years later we are now based in London and my wife has had over 18 relationships ranging from one night stands to three year affairs. Since she was raised in a macho culture she seems only physically attracted to dominant men. If you don't know the type, the guys she likes are married, totally alpha and expect their wives to be completely faithful to them but have no problem having sex with a beta male's wife, particularly the kind of sex they have with Heidi. Most English women have a big problem going down on guys, but Heidi loves sucking cocks and she always falls for the kind of guys who love to see her on her knees servicing them.
I don't know how we reached the point in our relationship where it was just unfathomable that Heidi and I would ever have sex. I just sensed I was never going to match up to her more assertive lovers and she knew our relationship would be better if she took the sex out of the equation and made some major changes in our relationship. She still got insanely jealous if I even looked another woman and this upset me as much as it did her. She wanted her freedom to have other lovers but she didn't want to worry about her wealthy husband straying. When she suggested a solution to this problem I wasn't as shocked as one would suspect when she told me what she wanted to have done. I just thanked her for not suggesting I wear a chastity device again. I didn't want to go back to that.
It helps me that I have an understanding doctor who is, in her own way, a feminist who believes my marriage is an ideal model which should be embraced by more couples. Helen is also my wife's doctor and friend and often goes out with her at night. I know they have gotten up to some wild things together. Heidi obviously confided to her about our relationship and her other relationships and I guess they both concluded that some sort of medical solution would be best for me. To be honest, my marriage wouldn't work without the help that Helen has provided me. The treatment she has tailored for me has allowed me to be happy in a situation many men would consider to be intolerable. She is also a sounding board for me and I can confide in her about my insecurities and I can tell she enjoys her role in changing our marriage for the better. Equally important, she is there to make sure my wife is healthy and doesn't contract any sexual infections, which is important considering how promiscuous she is.
Every three months I am given a shot of Depo-Provera which eliminates almost all of my sex drive and even controls my fantasies and helps make my marriage work better. If you don't know about this wonder drug, you should look it up. It is an effective form of chemical castration that is reversible. It is the ideal treatment for a committed cuckold as it takes away a man's sexual drive whilst it also serves to eliminate any guilt the wife might have for denying her husband sex over the long-term because the husband largely forgets about the subject entirely. It is also a hell of a lot more comfortable than wearing a chastity device. I found the one Heidi bought for me whilst I was alone in Lusaka was constantly twisting and pinching my skin. After three weeks of wearing it I was fed up and threw it away. The drugs assure that I can no longer have an erection.
After a few years of treatment, on the downside, I have noticed that my prick and balls have visibly shrunk, not that it matters tremendously. If I even attempted to put on a chastity device now it would just fall off. I don't think they make them small enough to fit me in my current state. I also attend the surgery every Friday morning for estrogen treatment which normally wrecks my weekend and confuses me until at least Monday. I find it impossible to go out of the house on Saturday and Sunday, but I use the time to clean and do the laundry for the week. The estrogen does give me hot flashes which I am told are similar to what a woman has when she goes through menopause. After all, getting a large dose of female hormones and then trying to pretend you are a normal man is disconcerting to say the least.
For any man considering this it requires a lot of discipline not to put on weight. The perfect balance of estrogen should bring about some feminine feelings without visibly swelling the breasts. Helen has worked out the perfect weekly dose for me. Coupled with exercise and a good diet I have kept a trim figure although my breasts are sensitive and slightly larger and my nipples are very prominent but still small enough where I don't have to face the embarrassment of wearing a bra. I have found that my hair on top my head is thicker after going on the hormones and there are other subtle changes in my body and psyche. I am more emotional and prone to crying if I get upset.
It's a strange experience taking female hormones in the doses that Helen has prescribed for me. It's not only the mental experience, which is actually quite pleasurable. I have watched my body change physically over the course of the last few years. It's nothing dramatic but my hips have filled out and are more feminine and my waist is smaller. My breasts are now the most sensitive part of my body and I will often find myself touching and fondling my prominent nipples absentmindedly, particularly in the morning when the hormonal rushes are the greatest. I can't wear any rough cotton shirts anymore as I find that they irritate my breasts too much, so I wear softer tops now. I have thrown out all my boxer shorts as I prefer tight knickers which keep my shrunken cock and balls tightly in place and have a more feminine look. I have found that the Playtex elastic knickers which are almost like a panty girdle work best and I have dozens of pairs in different colours.
One of the biggest changes in my life is actually quite minor. I no longer feel confident peeing in a men's urinal. First of all, the last thing I want is for someone to glance over and see me holding a tiny prick but, more importantly, my cock is a little too small to hold and aim properly, so I prefer to use the stall and pee like a woman. I often get shocked looks from men when I go into a public lavatory. I guess in many ways I look more feminine now than masculine and the other guys just assume I am a woman who opened the wrong door.
I gave up shopping for men's clothes over two years ago. I now prefer the women's department at M&S. I typically wear tight leggings and casual yoga style tops and I wear feminine flats. Shoes are what I do sometimes spoil myself with. Thankfully I am thin and not too tall. Both Heidi and I wear a UK clothes size eight, so she can sometimes slip on something from my wardrobe. My feet are a women's UK size six. I prefer subtle dark colours. My figure has always been slim but now I have a more defined waist and a more pronounced bum.
Helen and I have discussed the reaction I get when I go out shopping. It's strange all of a sudden getting men's attention and it is not entirely unflattering. Heidi and I share the same hairdresser and, at her suggestion, I have had blonde streaks put in my hair and had it cut in a short pageboy fashion. I don't wear jewellery except for the dainty gold heart necklace that Heidi gave me for my 35th birthday last year.
I do fantasise about skirts and heels and getting manicures but that seems to be a line I don't want to cross in real life now. I prefer the gender neutral look I have right now. I don't wear perfume and I certainly don't wear any makeup, although I do pluck my eyebrows.
Helen just says I should go with the flow and dress like I want to dress and not worry about what anybody else thinks. That works to some extent but when men see me with just a top and leggings on they can see that I don't have any breasts and I get a lot of confused glances. She says that is an issue we can work on in the future which sort of implies that she thinks it would be healthier if I got implants. At her insistence and with Heidi's consent, I did have the dreaded Adam's apple removed a year and a half ago. I'm not sure I am ready to have a pair of boobs yet.
My voice has also moved up a few octaves. It helps that I never had a deep masculine voice. Now, when I hear myself speaking I sound very gender neutral but more feminine than masculine. I haven't consciously developed any feminine traits; I just do what is natural to me. My skin is much healthier with the hormones and I no longer have to shave. I just wax every week. I do keep my legs and underarms smoothly shaven and I keep my nether regions equally smooth. I do paint my toenails and keep my feet in good shape but I would never paint my fingernails.
I have a small nose and full lips and I think I look pretty when I see myself in the mirror. If I am being really honest with myself, I look more attractive as a woman than I ever did as a man. My face just seems to work in a feminine sense more than a masculine one. I also have the cheekbones which make a feminine face attractive. If you want an idea of how I look now think of a slightly more petite version of the BBC presenter Fiona Bruce with blonde streaks in her hair and a slightly more upturned nose.
Some of my personal foibles, which have not changed since I began the hormone treatment, were always more feminine in nature than masculine. I like playing with my hair, I have never crossed my legs like a man does and I have never had that male swagger when I walk. I've always been complimented on my smile but never more so than since I have been on the estrogen treatment. My legs look quite good compared to most other women. My calves are well defined and I have nice firm thighs. I have tried on high heels a few times at M&S and the shop girls always tell me I look great in them. I didn't feel clumsy wearing them either. I found it perfectly natural to walk in them but I don't know what they would be like for long distances. I do have a couple of short heels which I sometimes wear out and there are a pair of high heel black patent leather shoes I have been fantasising about but they wouldn't really look good unless I took the plunge and started wearing skirts.
Psychologically the change has been greater. I am much more submissive in my relationship with my wife and much more eager to please her. Even though she can be a selfish demanding bitch sometimes, I understand her moods more because I have the same feminine hormones running through my body, albeit without the same sexual urges she has. I am much more attuned to her feelings when she is approaching her period and gets particularly irritated with me. It makes me happy when she has had sex with one of her lovers because she always has that warm glow afterwards. That's when we are happiest together.
To some extent, the estrogen treatment is strangely addictive. I enjoy the hot flashes and the confusion I feel the next few days and I love the feminine rushes that sometimes make me perspire. I do get those once or twice a day. The only problem is that there is a letdown when the hormones wear off later in the week and my male testosterone begins to balance the female hormones out. Then I just feel a bit flat and get prone to depression. I have talked with Helen about this and she is considering whether or not to provide me with two doses a week, although they would initially be weaker but would have a more cumulative effect. Unfortunately that would take away the rush I get on the weekends, which is the part I am addicted to.
Heidi is quite happy that I am submissive and feminised. Whilst she has an active sex life I take care of all the bills, the cleaning (including changing the stained sheets after her lovers leave) and cooking and buying her clothes, making sure that she has a supply of hold-up stockings and lingerie. I do sometimes develop an underlying resentment at my situation. After all, what man gets married and ends up medically castrated while his wife enjoys her sexual freedom?
Thankfully I don't have to go to an office every day. I can make a quite decent living doing my creative work from home. I don't have to have a masculine wardrobe to match my feminine one and I can spend the morning working in my dressing gown until I shower and put on something nice to wear outside.
It has been over three years since Heidi has had sex with me and on a certain level I miss it. I know it's just not in her realm of possibilities and it's something she flat out refuses to discuss. In fact, it is as if she doesn't account for any sexual desire I may have had and now considers me sort of a neuter, if that makes sense at all. To be honest, with the regular drugs I take, I have been more than neutered but there are still underlying masculine urges I have, although they are very rare and only manifest themselves a few days before my weekly hormone shot.
It may seem trivial but what most bothers me is that she has two large dildos on her bedside table that she uses to get herself off. Both of them are twice as large as my prick was back in the days when I could get hard. It is humiliating to see them when I make the bed in the morning. I often find them scattered under the duvet and covered with her dried juices. It's as if she is making a statement that my cock was never enough for her and she always needed one bigger. Thanks to Helen and the estrogen treatment my cock is now barely big enough to hold between two fingers and my balls are the size of marbles and the memories of when it was five inches and hard are too distant to recall. In fact, I have developed something of a distaste for my 'equipment' and sometimes fantasise about being totally smooth down there.
It's not as if all of Heidi's lovers are superbly handsome, fit and rich. One of her recent conquests, Rob, is anything but a knock out. Granted, he is another married alpha male with an uptight wife who has probably never given a man a blowjob in her entire life. But he feels more than entitled to have a lover like Heidi on the side. I would consider myself to have been a better looking man before I began the hormone treatment, although, according to Heidi, he possesses a huge cock and the ability to use it to drive her crazy. He also has that inherent confidence that I always lacked.
In one instance he came over to our house to watch a television show and, whilst Heidi was on the sofa next to him, he took her hand and placed it over his cock and had her play with him during the entire television program while I was in the same room. After the program ended she slid down in front of him, unzipped his trousers and proceeded to suck his cock. She begged him to fuck her but he refused, although he did finally cum in her mouth. Then he got up and left without thanking her. I also find Rob secretly sneaking glances at me, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. The last thing our marriage needs is for one of Heidi's lovers to be attracted to me. Of course I find it flattering and it does make me blush but if Heidi had an inkling that Rob had a thing for me there would be hell to pay.
One of the strangest things I have had to get used to in my new life is being looked at like a sex object by other men. Obviously Rob knows I am genetically a man but still seems to be attracted to the feminine me. Since Helen has started the Depo-Provera treatment on me my sex drive has been wiped out, but there is still some sort of desire I have to be thought of in a sexual way and perhaps someday to satisfy someone needs. I think the estrogen treatment also brings out my submissive side in a massive way. To be honest, I do sometimes have a rape fantasy, not as the perpetrator of the crime, but as the victim. I feel like I am no longer in the dominant gender of society and now have joined submissive half. So, when I catch men like Rob giving me a leering glance I don't think of anything sexual as such. I dream of bending to their superior will and providing, not just what they want, but what they deserve.
The sex life Heidi and I once enjoyed long ago is now a closed subject we no longer really talk about. It is sort of like she never acknowledges that I was ever anything unlike the person I am now. Meanwhile Heidi has changed dramatically. Since she relocated to London with me she has transformed herself from a sweet innocent looking blonde South African woman to a very sexily clad high heeled woman with a certain reputation. She is inherently indiscrete. As a result she was barred from the local pub because two men got in a fight over who would take her home, she has had irate wives threaten her and she has had lovers who have filmed her and posted the videos online.
It's only because of the videos that I know that she now shaves her pussy and has a tattoo on her ass (it's quite pretty but I suspect it is an owner's mark). I never suspected she was into anal sex until I saw her in another video and heard her moans of pleasure.
What irks me most is the lack of respect some of her lovers have towards me. They act as if they are doing me a favour by fucking my wife. I have been woken up in the middle of the night to answer phone calls from men demanding they speak to my wife and even had the occasional 2:00 am knock on the door from a lover who wants a quick screw (she never turns them down). She currently has three lovers, all of them married. I am still the one that wines and dines her, as her lovers don't want to be seen in public with Heidi, mainly because of her somewhat dubious reputation and also because they know it isn't necessary to spend any money on her because the sex comes with no strings attached. The problem is that when I do take her out I am often not the one she goes home with. That happened again last week when I took her out for drinks and a handsome younger guy picked her up and took her home and screwed her brains out.
There was one instance when her lover, Alex, took her out but that was to a swing club. She claims she has no recollection of what happened and thinks she only made love to Alex once in front of a crowd, although knowing how Heidi gets when she has had too much wine, I very much doubt that.
Heidi was gone from a wayward wife to a full scale cuckoldress. She has all the traits now: spoiled, sulky and truculent until, of course, she has a real man's cock in her hands. That's when her face lights up and she knows what her role life is. To be honest, I haven't seen my wife in person without her clothes on for over three years. The only chance I have to see her nude is in the videos and pictures her lovers take of her. She sometimes shares these with me if I buy her something nice or do something special for her.
I would like her to be a bit more understanding of my current situation. It seems like the days after I have my estrogen treatment she doesn't understand what sort of emotions are running through my body or that I am having hot flashes throughout the day. She can be hypercritical and get angry about how the house is looking or the state of her wardrobe or even the meals I serve her. The only person that I can be totally honest with is my doctor, Helen, but she seems to think just upping the dose of estrogen I receive every week will cure everything.
I know Heidi is happy that I am more like a sister to her now than a husband. She does confide in me sometimes about her lovers and I do like to hear about her sexual exploits. She now calls me Chrissie instead of Chris and she constantly teases me about how that rhymes with sissy. This does upset me sometimes because I never set out to become a sissy and don't consider myself one. I may have a lot more feminine traits now than masculine ones but I just think I am who I am. It is true that when I am out I am seldom taken for a man. Except for the breasts, I think I do look like a rather attractive woman now and I am proud of that. In fact, what really infuriates Heidi sometimes is that, when we do go out, I will sometimes get more attention than she does, although I put that down to the fact that Heidi can look a little slutty sometimes with the short skirts and high heels whereas I look a little more refined. It depends on where we are. If we are in a pub that is a pick up joint, she gets all the attention but, if we are going to a concert or a play, I will get at least as many glances from men as her.
One evening Heidi asked Helen to come over and have dinner. During the dinner they discussed their travel plans. They are taking off next week for seven days in Ibiza where they plan to party the night away. They usually go off together for week long breaks twice a year and come back tanned, laughing and comparing notes about the men they slept with. Heidi did bring up the fact that there will be a couple of highly sexed men who will be missing her while she is gone and asked me if it was alright to give them my mobile phone number.
I was sort of shocked that she would consider doing that and more shocked by the fact that the alpha males in question would even consider having me as their sexual partner. She assured that she had talked to Alex, Rob, Tony and, her latest lover, Guy, and, to a man, they said they would fuck me in a heartbeat. So, just like I did five years ago, when I was still a real man, and said it was fine for Heidi to continue screwing her two lovers while we were engaged, I once again acquiesced and told my wife I would take care of her lovers while she was off on holiday.
Before Helen left that evening she reached into her handbag and pulled out one of those paper sacks that Boots puts prescriptions in. When she went out the door I opened the bag and found two tubes of lube and two dozen condoms. I guess Helen knew all the time what future my wife planned for me. Perhaps after the end of next week I will talk to her about that boob job but before I do I am going to buy those black patent leather heels and a couple of skirts and dresses. If I am going to get used sexually like a fuck toy by a few alpha males in my wife's absence I want to look the part of the beautiful and sexy woman I have finally accepted that I am.