A brief introduction is in order; Mistress Alison is a good friend and a very knowledgeable and experienced Mistress, she has also been a frequent contributor to PDQ. She is now available to answer questions from both Mistress and sissies alike, assuming a respectful tone of course. These email conversations may well be included at some future date in PDQ though a request for privacy would be respected. Feel free to write her at email@example.com and please don't waste her valuable time asking "where / how can I find a Mistress?"
Dear Mistress Alison
How do tell my wife that I secretly long to be dominated by her and become her sissymaid? Ever since I can remember I have felt the desire to be punished and humiliated by powerful dominant ladies. In my freshman year at university I fell under the spell of a masters student and she introduced me to wearing knickers. She was quite open about the thrill she got out of humiliating me and mocking me, particularly in public, calling me a pathetic panty wearing pansy in front of her friends, both male and female. I was actually one of a small group of young men she referred to as her "stable." She also had a female student she called her slave and I think her sexual tendencies lay principally in that direction. Although it made me a laughing stock I was strangely aroused by these experiences, especially the lovely feel of the soft knickers, and began wearing them together with stockings and suspenders in private whenever I could, something I have done on and off ever since. The relationship, which was asexual and involved no physical punishment only ended when she went too far. She took me to a remote riverside spot, luring me by saying she might be prepared to go a lot further if I proved myself worthy of her, made me undress apart from my pink knickers then used one of my stockings to tie my hands behind my back before throwing the rest of my clothes in the river and driving off.
Several years after leaving university I met a nice normal girl, we did all the usual things and eventually got married. But the nasty desires didn't go away in fact they got worse and I began to visit professional ladies, not for sex but to be dominated, dressed as a maid or a schoolgirl then be humiliated and punished. This always made me feel incredibly guilty but that only increased my desire to be punished.
I would dearly love to confess all this to my wife and hopefully have her dress me up so I can serve as her maid and be punished, but I'm terrified she would be horrified or disgusted and possibly leave me or throw me out. If she were to divorce me it would all become horribly public and could have consequences in my professional life. Do you think I should tell her and if so how should I go about it or should I keep quiet and continue living a lie? I would greatly appreciate your advice.
Steve (who would dearly love to be Stephanie or any other pretty name)
This must be one of the commonest requests that Auntie Helga has had during her editorship and also one of the saddest. Why do so many men feel guilty about their need to submit to a female authority figure and their desire to cross dress? In our opinion at PDQ this is entirely natural and we believe the world would be a far better place if more men did so. Even if you disagree with that last sentence, you can't help the way you feel any more than you can help feeling warm in the summer and cold in the winter. The only thing you need feel guilty about are your actions, because they are the only thing over which you have any degree of control. This is very easy for me to say but far more difficult for someone who desperately wants to break out of the strait jacket of expectations placed on him by a patriarchal society to accept.
Unfortunately you do not provide any details about yourself and your wife, such as your age, how you met, how long you've been married and whether you have any children so my reply can only be of a general nature. However, I would caution you that although you acknowledge your true and proper station in life is to serve and satisfy the superior sex your wife may not understand this. This "nice normal girl" you married may be one of the millions of women born with her wires crossed and may want you to be more like a "traditional" husband i.e. and idle, thoughtless, selfish, useless slob. She may even harbour secret fantasies of her own about being submissive to you, maybe even being spanked by you. Strange as it may seem to us there are a huge number of such submissive women in the world and if she is one of them then she is never going to dominate you. Also, the fantasy and spending an hour or two with a sex worker prancing about in a maid's uniform waving a feather duster is a very far cry from the real thing. As my own sissymaid, kitty will confirm hers is not an easy life and most of her day is spent performing boring or uncongenial tasks and her punishments are real and involve serious pain. In short be careful what you wish for.
To answer your question with a rhetorical question: are you happy with the present situation? Answer: no. So it's really a no brainer. Next another question: what's the worst thing that can happen when you tell your wife? She might laugh, she might call you a disgusting pervert, she might be very angry, but by your own admission all these things actually appeal to you, or used to. Only you can tell if she might be angry enough to leave or throw you out. All good relationships depend on communication, openness and honesty, which is not to say you can't have secrets; sometimes they add mystery and excitement, but deceit and lies are to relationships what dry rot is to timber. My guess is that your wife would be far angrier about being lied to or at least not being told the truth than about your fantasies. So the real question is not if, but how you tell her. As I see it you have three possible options.
Option 1. Honesty. Choose your moment then sit her down and tell her you have something important to say. Then say how you have long cherished the idea of taking care of her and looking after her, because you love her so much and she is your Goddess and this has caused you to fantasise about doing all the housework for her as her maid. Tell her many men like doing this and their partners love having someone to do all the boring chores while they relax with a drink, read a book, watch TV or whatever, and that if she is willing you would like to this for her, then see how she reacts. You could mention your previous cross dressing, but don't at this stage mention visiting sex workers though you might consider telling her about the girl at university. You might well be surprised; depending on how long you've been together she may already suspect something or have fantasies of her own, most people do. If she reacts badly then you can apologise for mentioning it tell her you never intended to upset her and drop the subject. You will have lost nothing and planted a seed that may grow. She might even be tempted to do a little research of her own.
Option 2. Discovery. Many women discover their partners are closet cross dressers or secret sissymaids only when they discover their stash of clothing and/or pornography. You could arrange for your wife to make such a discovery and when she demands an explanation you can confess what you secretly want tell her. Say you know you've been incredibly naughty for having such fantasies, but most of all for not sharing them with her and that you will accept any punishment she chooses to give you. If she doesn't take such an obvious hint then it's possible she is never going to be the Mistress of your dreams.
Option 3. By stealth. Begin by doing chores around the house, washing up is a good place to start as it will allow you to wear a frilly pinny and pink rubber gloves. If questioned say you feel guilty about not doing enough to help her in the past. Make a fuss of her, complement her, tell her to take it easy, give her a foot rub, massage her shoulders, bring her tea in bed in the morning, tell her you want to pamper her because she deserves it, that she is the most wonderful woman in the world and you are so lucky to have her in your life. Occasionally telling her you would do anything for her won't go amiss, but don't overdo it. She may be suspicious of your motives but very few women will actually object to being treated thus, far less complain. After a few months of having you acting as her de facto sissymaid she will be very reluctant to return to having to do all the housework. This is the time to mention that it would help you act the part if you looked the part and ask her if she would mind you wearing a maid's uniform as it is something you've fantasised about in the past. Again if she emphatically refuses then it is possible she will never come round, but if you make it sound like harmless fun why should she turn you down? Once you're in uniform and she has got used to the idea of bossing you around you can start "confessing" to errors, laziness, general naughtiness or impure thoughts and punishment will naturally follow.
Whatever approach you choose when you have made your pitch I suggest you get your wife, your Mistress manqué, to read a few issues of Petticoat Discipline Quarterly where she can see for herself how many women have taken advantage of their partners submissive tendencies and how it has improved the quality of their lives beyond measure so that they now wish they'd done so from the very beginning, but most of all how it is a perfectly valid lifestyle rather than weird perversion.
Good luck and please write to the main site and let us know how you get on.