A brief introduction is in order; Mistress Alison is a good friend and a very knowledgeable and experienced Mistress, she has also been a frequent contributor to PDQ. She is now available to answer questions from both Mistress and sissies alike, assuming a respectful tone of course. These email conversations may well be included at some future date in PDQ though a request for privacy would be respected. Feel free to write her at firstname.lastname@example.org and please don't waste her valuable time asking "where / how can I find a Mistress?"
Dear Mistress Alison
I have discovered that during the period he has been working from home my husband has been regularly looking at web sites such as yours and others of a broadly similar nature. It came about completely by accident when I took him a cup of coffee and he quickly snapped his laptop closed. As our anniversary (22 years) was the following month I assumed he was planning a surprise or searching for a present. But some time later I let my curiosity get the better of me and took a sneaky peek at his browsing history, and now wish I hadn't.
It was a complete shock, the sites had names like Obedient Husband, Dominating your man, FLR joy, and Enforcing Chastity. There were more showing pictures of women, usually dressed in leather, whipping and caning grovelling men, and more still of men dressed as school girls or maids and even as babies, which I found the most disturbing.
Of course I knew such things went on and that most men have sexual fantasies but never dreamed my husband was like that. The thing which shocked me, and I suppose hurt me, the most was not the fact that he was that way inclined but that he'd successfully concealed it from me for so long. Marriage is supposed to be about trust and sharing and before making this discovery I thought we shared everything. He is a generous and kind man, not particularly exciting but a good husband and we were happy. Or so I thought up to now. I don't know whether to say nothing about what I've done while dropping hints in the hope he comes clean or to confront him. I know you advocate a policy of openness and discussion, but how on earth can I do this? I can hardly drop it into the conversation, "Oh by the way I was checking up on your computer activities and found out what you've been hiding for the past two decades." Apart from anything else I've hardly acted well by looking at his computer so I can't claim any moral superiority here.
Please, what do you think I should do?
I wish I had a fiver for every letter like yours I have received, I'd be typing this on a veranda overlooking a beach in the Bahamas. Well maybe not quite.
First of all forget about feeling guilty, this is not an issue of morals, and don't let your husband get way with trying to make you feel that you are the one to blame in any way. You have done nothing wrong. But on the other hand it is important to realise he, at least as far as we know, has done nothing wrong either. He's been looking at websites, all men do it just as all men have sexual fantasies, and all men keep quiet about it. It's like them leaving the loo seat up.
The reason he hasn't told you anything about this aspect of his character is probably because he's ashamed of it. Most men are still brought up to believe they should conform to a historical pattern and behave in certain ways, just as the majority of women are still led to believe their primary role in life is be a wife and mother. These attitudes are changing but the pace of change is glacial. Many women are now taking control of their relationships and more and more men are openly admitting they are happier with a woman firmly in charge, but they still represent a tiny minority. For the vast majority of men the desire to wear the clothes of the opposite is seen as something deeply shameful, and being made to wear them against their will as supremely humiliating.
However ashamed he may feel about it, your husband is obviously aroused by the idea of being dominated by a woman and also by crossdressing so he does have at least some submissive tendencies. So the important question for you is what are you going to do about it? Do you have any interest in dominating him, or turning your marriage into an FLR? Do you just want him to stop looking at these websites? I suggest you read some of the replies I've given to previous correspondents, particularly Leanne (July 2020) to get some idea of the possibilities. What is quite obviously not a viable option is simply to do nothing; he will go on looking at these sites and you will go on resenting him doing so. You describe your husband as a generous and kind man but not particularly exciting, which suggests to me that there is something lacking in your marriage. Perhaps that's why he is looking at these websites, but this discovery also presents you with a golden opportunity to inject a little excitement into your life and turn your marriage into something more satisfying for you both.
I would suggest the best way to proceed is a serious talk during the course of which he "confesses" everything to you and then the pair of you discuss what you are going to do about it. A possible way to instigate this is to tell him that you've noticed a change in his behaviour which is causing you concern and that you and he must discuss this and you won't take no for an answer. You could also mention that you feel that the pair of you have been taking each other for granted recently and now is the time to rectify matters. Be assertive and gauge his reaction, look him squarely in the eye and ask him if there's anything he wants to tell you, something he wants to get off his chest perhaps. Don't tell him that you've been looking at his computer, let him think you've guessed what's going on from his behaviour. If he is not forthcoming or becomes evasive tell him sternly, "I do hope you're not lying to me or trying to hide something, because if you are I shall be cross, very cross." Again look at his reaction and read the signals. If he still doesn't start to open up about it then tighten the screw and say, "Now I know you're not telling me the truth, and the only reason people lie is to conceal what they've been up to. What is it you've done that you're so afraid to tell me about. Have you been naughty? (or alternatively have you been a naughty boy?) Come on, tell me. I won't punish you. Unless of course that's what you want. Is that what you want? Now be honest with me."
If he still doesn't take such a clear hint then let the matter drop for a few days and then repeat the question a little more firmly, "Why won't you tell me what you're hiding? You haven't killed anybody, have you? Well, have you?" Continue in a similar vein letting him know his behaviour is upsetting you while reassuring him that provided he tells you everything then you won't be angry with him.
When he does start talking about what he's been doing it is important, no vital, that however outrageous the things he tells you, you don't display any negative emotions or worse still laugh at him. Tell him that if anything you are relieved this is now in the open and then express surprise that he didn't share this with you earlier. Tell him he's been silly boy to keep this from you, but you forgive him because you love him and then begin to discuss what you want to happen in future. If I were in your position I would tell him that there will be no more looking at fantasy sites on the internet (you could set up a parental style lock on his computer) and if he wants domination then you will be one providing it, but of course that's up to you.
By my reading of the situation, once he does start talking openly he'll be both relieved and grateful to you for having given him the opportunity to confess and will be amenable to any "suggestions" you make about changes to your relationship and household routine. What those changes might be is entirely your choice, but it's worth remembering that what we regret most in life are not those things which we did and wish we hadn't, but those things we didn't do and now wish we had, the missed opportunities, the unfulfilled potential.
Please feel free to write again if you need more assistance.
I wish you both good luck for the future.